© Photography by Tanya De, 2007.
I choked. Those harsh reminders of the discontinuities between the person that I am and the person I’d like to be. The person I imagine I am when the state of things is neutral.
The wind whips rain against my cheeks and I keep my hood up, gaze down. Terrified of being seen. Heart pounding. Pink Floyd running around in my head, “…I’ve got that feeling once again. I can’t explain, you would not understand. This is not how I am.”
But it is, isn’t it?
We try. We work hard to grow and change and adapt. We make great strides to not repeat the same thoughts, the same processes, the same conclusions and catastrophes. We are desperate to avoid that ache in our bellies. That lost, helpless, out of control sickness. But right now, right here, I have it. And I catch myself wondering if I’ll ever shake it.
